Topic: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

So, here is the basic premise of this RPG. This RPG, like all others, intends to tell a story about various characters that is engaging and fun to write, read, and be a part of.

However, this one also intends to be more overtly humorous than others. Here is the basic plot:
The year is 2046, and humanity is still essentially the same as it is in the present. The differences are:

A top secret  terrorist organization called the Super Terror Against  Relatively Big Un-evil Conglomerates that Kills Suspects is constantly attempting to kill everyone on earth. They are frequently thwarted by the heroic organization called P.I.N.G.A.S., the Protectors of Innocent Non-criminal Government And Stuff.

Mexico has been taken over by the Soviet Union. This leads to some confusing food.

France is now in the jurisdiction of Chuck Norris, while Spain is under the leadership of Adam West. These two giants are in a tenuous alliance currently.

Mutant squids are all over the place.

Jimi Hendrix was accidentally resurrected by some bored wiccan college students, and is now the President of the United States.

Mr. Coffee machines have obtained self-awareness and are now integrated into modern society.

Hannah Montana, while unfortunately still alive, has been ordered to death 57 times, and has somehow survived. After it being discovered she is in fact a homunculus for the devil, she was shipped to a secure holding facility where she cannot harm anyone except her extremely unlucky cellmates and security guards.

Other than that, it's pretty much like present day.  So moving on to the rules (most of which were shamelessly stolen from Mel):

1. You may create any character you want.  Clarify their name and species so others can follow their actions easily.

2. You can kill characters you create but you can't kill other people's characters unless they say they have been killed in battle with you.

3. You can have any weapon you want but you can only have what your character could physically carry - otherwise they wouldn't be able to move.

4. Be consistent, eg if someone says they blew up a building, don't suddenly be assaulting it.

5. If you have sustained many wounds you will have to either get medical help or eventually die.

6. Follow the storyline, sure add a few twists and turns but allow others to see where you want to go so they can help you get there.

7. Have fun.

8. Feel free to let your funny flag fly. That's the point here. Be as dry, witty, sarcastic, innuendous, self-referential, and British as you want...or just resort to "Yo Mama" and the occasional fart joke. However, please refrain from jokes that are offensive or overtly crude. Thank you. smile
The story: It's just another day in the world mentioned above, in the city of Newer York, (New York was bought in 2021 by Elvis Costello, who came into a great deal of money in 2018 when he pawned of the last oil drum in existence for 20 babillion dollars. The U.S. Government then built Newer York...which is 20 minutes outside of Memphis.

    Kirk Dunford got out of his bed in his suburban apartment and stumbled into the shower, hitting his head on the glass and falling on the floor.

"...Ow." Kirk grumbled. He staggered to his feet, put on some clothes, and walked out the door to his extremely depressing job.

"...And how does that make you feel?" Kirk said into his mouthpiece as he boredly drummed his fingers on a desk. "...well, I think you just need to talk with her before you do something like that. I'm sure she would feel terrible if you went through with this. It would ruin her life. Does that make you want to rethink this?" Kirk said to the caller. "Great." Kirk promptly hung up and dialed in his next caller.

"Suicide hotline, this is Kirk speaking, what was her name?" Kirk said, reciting the opening line he had learned as an intern.

Suddenly, there was a loud sound, like a giant subwoofer.

"...hold on for a second." Kirk said, putting his caller on hold and carelessly selecting the waiting music for the caller, accidentally selecting "Jump" by Van Halen. Kirk looked out the window to see... A MUTANT SQUID TERRORIZING THE CITY!!!!

"How the heck did a squid get into Tennessee?" Was the first thing out of a shocked Kirk's mouth. The squid, roughly the size of three school busses and Cedric the Entertainer, was busy destroying buildings in the opposite direction, so Kirk absent-mindedly resumed his call.

"I'm sorry for that mister...hello? Hello? Must've worked it out for himself..." Kirk said. Suddenly the entire building shook as the mutant squid had apparently turned around and decided to attack the building Kirk was in.

"Oh Holy--" Kirk yelled as the world seemed to go sideways, though it ironically would remain round in doing so.

Character: Kirk Dunford
Age: 29
Occupation: Suicide Hotline Operator
Weapon of Choice: Heck, he'll use what he can get.
Personality: Surly, easily annoyed, very down on his luck. Given his job, he is good at pretending to care, which may lead others on for awhile.
Description: Basically Ryan from The Office, but with a small brown goatee.
Background: Fresh out of college, Kirk was a guy who used to have dreams, you to have ambitions, the kind of guy Smells Like Teen Spirit was written for, but then he learned how tough life is in the real world, especially this world, where his mom was mauled by a mutant squid when he was 11 and his cousin is a Mr. Coffee called Brett-37. Nowadays, Kirk is basically meandering about his current life, just coasting through, waiting for something exciting to happen.

YOUR AD HERE--this space for rent (or lease to own). Call 1-234-5678

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

OMG I'm laughing so hard...

I don't know if I'll be around much but here's a quick character sheet, if all else false she can fall victim to the giant squids.

Character: Sunshine Summers
Age: 22
Occupation: University Student
Weapon of Choice: Her sharp tongue, weapons will only add to climate change of course tongue
Personality: Typical uni student, wants to save the world but has no idea how to do it, only knows what's been drummed into her head by Greenpeace and the voices that talk to her at night (sounds remarkably like Hannah Montana's voice). Can talk the leg of a chair without even breaking a sweat.
Description: Mousy, thin and flicks her hair over her shoulders way too much. Oozes self importance, if she'd been prettier she may have been a cheerleader.
Background: Sunshine is currently study a Bachelor of Arts and dreams of one day becoming a Manager at McDonald's. Of course she wants to moonlight as a superhero but seriously lacks any sort of powers what so ever. Therefore it's not uncommon to find Sunshine around nuclear facilities (supposedly protested but she actually wants to be exposed to the radiation so she gets super powers). Obviously she's not the smartest cookie.


Sunshine was skipping class again, this time it was due to a protest outside of the Sylvester Stallone Nuclear Waste Facility. In her hands she held high a sign saying "No More Sly Wastage" she'd thought the moto rather clever. But dammit she couldn't see any ways to easily get inside the complex.

Plus the security guards were just way too old and ugly to consider even thinking of seduction. However for some strange reason seduction never seemed to work for Sunshine. On the bright side, she was able to render someone so bored from her rantings that she was almost certain that she would one day perfect the skill of sending them into a deep, deep sleep.

Her train of thought was easily derailed as she heard some screaming from the back of the crowd. She opened her mouth in shock and immediately let loose, "What the freaking hell is that? Who let ugly loose from the zoo? Honesty this climate change thing is messing with our animals."

For there was a giant squid in the process of eating a Mr Coffee named Ronald-84.

"Dammit R-84 made a good brew," Sunshine growled and stormed forward with her protest board, determined to do something and if for some reason she was thrown into the nuclear facility during the fight, all the better.

BFFC Moderator
It was like thousands of voices cried out for a sequel and were suddenly silenced...

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

P.I.N.G.A.S. huh?...i thought i was the only one around here fluent in spanish.

Est Sularus Oth Mithas
I am a Role Playing Gamer, like my father before me.

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

Character: Isaac
Occupation:does whatever
Weapon of Choice: crowbar, katana, but will use a gun in a pinch
Bio: Lives in the country of Awesome (where Canada used to be, but Canada was taken over by U.S. and then there was a revolt by Americans and Canadains alike, and the country of Awesome was formed. It also contains Washington State.), where Dave Grohl is the president. They cannot be conquered, not because of their military (which is just militia), but because of sheer awesome, everyone respects them. You can do anything you want there, but you have to make the awesomeness cut to get in. Isaac's listening habits (foo fighters and metallica) and proficiency with a crowbar and katana made him a perfect candidate for a citizen of Awesome.

Isaac woke up in his penthouse in the Space Needle. He had occasionally entertained the idea of defecating over the edge while the building spun slowly, thoroughly coating the bystanders below with crap, but he didn't have diarrhea and thought the idea was largely stupid anyway. After eating a breakfast of pizza and toaster waffles, he took the elevator downstairs. He drove his hover converted 1970 Ford pickup to New Washington to have a beer with Dave Grohl and James Hetfield. He loved politics. He then heard of the giant mutant squid, and remembered that he was the krakenkiller! The perfect man for the job. He hopped in his truck, painted on the side with the slogan "Ride The Lightning!", with a FF shield on the hood. Isaac strapped on the crowbar and katana, and flew off to Newer York.

"Some soldiers say that to reach maximum combat efficiency, they need to be in the zone. Sir; I live in the zone." - RC 1207 'Sev' to RC 1138 'Boss'

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

(This is hilarious. Good to see you're still kicking here, Ph34r.)

Character: Burgher M. King
Age: Unknown (believed to be 28)
Occupation: "superhero"
Weapon of Choice: Whatever he can get his mitts on
Description: Well, he doesn't dress like a king. In fact, there are some times where he doesn't dress at all. Otherwise, he looks like this
Personality: Half schizophrenic, Burgher (or simply known as Walter by the voices in his head, who are called Jane and Red) thinks that he is constantly late for his office job, while he lives in the Dumpster of Justice, monitoring enemy activity whenever he isn't out "fighting crime". Unfortunately, not being strong tends to make him lose a lot of fights against crooks, who just laugh and spit in his face half the time. He is also convinced that the KGB is after him.

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

( LOLZ tongue )

Name: John John
Age: like, 30 or summin'?
Occupation: Dentists
WOC: Dental syringes, needles, drills and head-lamp
Description: John John is a dentists who lives in England with his wife and four children ages, 3, 8, 13 and 19. John John is always talking and can never shut up, due to this, people have ACTUALLY punched him, to make the point more clearer. John John is a terrible dentists but does not really realize it. Thus, he has no customers, apart from people who don't know him.
Personality: Odd, weird, and such...

John John sipped some stale orange juice that had expired a year ago, and sighed with sadness. He wished he could be a better dentist, somehow..... but he was a nice person. Or he thought so... He continued to sip the OJ, when an almighty bang appeared and a giant Hamburger operated by a giant squid, followed by an army of them. Lasers shot down tree's, destroyed cars and crushed the pavements.

John John got out his camera, which he bought for £4.99 at Tesco's and snapped a couple of shots, running outside his dental office.

" Oh my god, this is AMAZING! " he said.

Then a laser shot disintegrated his mortal camera in hundreds of pieces, which melted into the ground, forming a cheese and onion crisp sort of smell.......

John John screamed.........

You're foolish words can never hurt me

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

Isaac had always contended that his leather jacket was real, although it was faux leather. It had, after all, come from a faux cow, which was alive at one point. Or at least that's what he thought. A jarring noise broke his train of thought. There was the giant squid! But what the news described as a hamburger, he saw it as more of a toilet seat kid of thing, but then realized that it was a UFO. Any way, he went to maximum speed, and cranked the music to full volume. He rammed through the burger, splattering other-worldly ketchup everywhere. Only one problem. He had forgotten to bring the mustard. Damn! He thought, putting the fork back into his pocket. Oh, and not to mention he had gotten stuck in the giant burger. All of the loud noise suddenly got silent, and he realized that the giant squid was eating the burger. It made sense, even city-destroying cephalopods need a little sustenance now and then. He didn't want to lose his truck, though, so he climbed out the sunroof, into the meat. He cut through it with his katana quite easily, and kept cutting until it stopped smelling good. He knew now he was in the brain of the beast. He pulled out his crowbar now that he was in the cranium, and saw a sign that read: do not break!! He ran at it screaming something unintelligible, waving his crowbar like a madman. Once the cerebellum had been sufficiently scrambled, he dropped down the esophagus, until he slid into his truck through the sunroof. He hit the button that said: "Enter Squid Escape Mode" and knew that he had made a wise decision in buying that button. He blasted out, and headed for the nearest pizza coffee shop. Surprisingly, there was no one in line.

"Some soldiers say that to reach maximum combat efficiency, they need to be in the zone. Sir; I live in the zone." - RC 1207 'Sev' to RC 1138 'Boss'

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

John John kept running as the giant burger continued to pursue him. He got out a dental needle..... or maybe 10 of them, and threw them at the burger to injure it. Unfortunately the burger got even more angrier and threw a ketchup bomb at him. Then a 3 metre layer o' cheese on him. The stickiness ground him to a halt and he stated " mmm! " as the cheesy delicacy sank into his teeth, and only then did he realise could he eat himself out. Unfortunately the giant burger shot a laser beam at him and fortunately it was on stun.

The burger laughed and formed razor sharp teeth and edged closer and closer to John John.

JJ screamed once more, and fainted like a sissy lass..............

You're foolish words can never hurt me

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

Isaac was eating pizza, for breakfast, and since it was breakfast, he was having coffee of course. Black.The pizza was pepperoni, with bacon and eggs for that breakfasty touch. He contemplated the problems of the world, and thought that in some other reality, he was a spacefaring superhero. But that was nonsense. He just flew around where he wanted, unknown. Saving people from unusual threats, by unorthodox means. But despite the massive laser shooting sharp toothed burger that he had already drilled through and mutilated that was floating around, he peacefully sipped his coffee and took another bite. He heard the screams, little knowing that one was from a cowardly dentist. The debris crashed around him. "Crank up the music!" he yelled at a guy behind the counter. The song was My Apocalypse.

"Some soldiers say that to reach maximum combat efficiency, they need to be in the zone. Sir; I live in the zone." - RC 1207 'Sev' to RC 1138 'Boss'

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

( umm, MM, JJ is from England. You're character is somewhere like Canada? tongue wink hehe )

John John awoke to find himself in a jellied stomach, obviously the hamburger. He got out a scalpel that was 16cm long and cut away at the jelly. It collapsed and the burger realised that John John was free.

JJ screamed for the third time and ran away. He kept running until he ran out of breath, only reaching 5 metres away.

The Burger threw grenades at JJ, but John John deflected them with his scalpel. The Burger exploded into 201 small pieces.

The extra one floated away, laughing evilly.

John John got out another camera and shot three pictures of the wreckage. Then the Mother Hamburger* came and disintegrated the camera....

JJ screamed for the fourth and final time,........ then screamed again.

He kicked the MB* out of rage that he's wasted about £8 on Tesco camera's.

" RARRGH!!! " he shouted.

You're foolish words can never hurt me

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

(well, there are cowardly dentists in Memphis, too.)
After that, Isaac flew to Awesome land and had calamari in the Space Needle. This was tasty, but he wanted more. So, he ordered a large strawberry pizza. For dessert, he had bacon and cheese. He then started his quest to find the coveted sniper crowbar.

"Some soldiers say that to reach maximum combat efficiency, they need to be in the zone. Sir; I live in the zone." - RC 1207 'Sev' to RC 1138 'Boss'

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

The man was just tying on his "cape," which was actually a bath towel from the "pantry," which was just another section of the sewer. Then, opening the manhole at 47th and Broadway, what is described as "a raging bullet" and "so fast I nearly killed someone" shot out of the hole to face the giant surreal beast. This was no ordinary man, it was ---

Sorry folks, the narrator has been telling lies to cover up the dull, true story. Here is the real version.

Burgher tied his towel around his neck to look like a cape, had his portable tape player at the go on his hip, inserted a tape that read "play while saving the day." Running up the subway stairs, he looked at the squid, and continued running... the opposite way! Darting behind a corner, Burgher switched the tape to "Side B," and skipped to Track 5. Turning around the corner to face the squid, the crazy-but-heroic man hit "Play," and Mozart's Requiem ensued, starting with Dies Irae.

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

John John screamed and screamed and stopped. What was this?

A pair of legs were standing up in mid-air. They started creeping up towards him. John John threw a vacuum tube at the pair of legs, but the legs kicked it aside. John John picked up an object from the ground, thinking it was a sword, but when he looked, it was a pair of socks.

The socks laughed evilly, and JJ screamed for the sixth time and ran away back to his home of Kent, where mutant tractos and farmers turning into Flood type characters destroyed the yearly crops and cereal.

John John said " NO MORE! " bravely, but ran away and screamed. He was very good at screaming.... unfortunately, the tractors and farmers ran towards him.

JJ wet his pants, but then an almighty bang exploded and knocked the T's and F's out.

It turned oot tay be his wife, with a really burnt plate of lasagne.

" Oh! There you are honey! Can you help me with this? It's a bit burnt..... "

" I can see that, " JJ replied

You're foolish words can never hurt me

Re: RPG--Fiscal Crosshatching on the Bearhug of Eternity--An Expedition in

Character: 17-52-0807 (but he gos by Jethro)
Age: 4
Occupation: None
Weapon of Choice: L-23 discombobulator
Description: looks like your average Mr. Coffee machine with robotic armor, arms and legs
Personality: Ussualy angry if not angry, he's sleeping.
Background: When Jethro was a created, he lived with a peson named Mary. He called Mary "Mom" and loved her as much as he loved him. But one day, a mutant squid took mary and killed her. Now Jethro is out for blood... squid blood

     Jethro was walking down the Newer York streets, when suddenly, he saw a mutant squid terrorizing the city. He Pulled out his discombobulator and jumped up on a building next to the squid. "Yo, squidy" he said - not getting any attention at all from the squid. "*sigh* how am I supposed to make this kill epic if he doesn't even see me?" Jethro shot the squid with his discombobulator. squid guts went everywhere, but at least he killed it. Jethro jumped to the ground and continued his walk.

Carry on my wayward son!