1,126 (edited by Miba Monday, July 12, 2010 5:29 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

I like to cook too. I wouldn't say I'm extremely good at it, but my husband loves it so that's good enough for me.

And back on topic, after almost 3 years of no contact my ex IMs me suddenly last night. He goes on about how he's grown up and how he was a little kid before and that he's sorry for the mean things he did and said. He wants to be friends. Also, his new email is apparently starwars_fan_80, which mine is starwars_fan_77. 77 for the year ANH was released, so obviously his 80 is in reference to ESB. Which I believe was a (somewhat pathetic) attempt to make me think he's being cute. Actually in the last while I've considered changing my email to something with less underscores. But anyway, I told him that I was married now (which only seemed to make him hesitate a little before he went on some more about wanting to chat and see how I am doing) and that I didn't want another friend right now.

I blocked him, but I am kind of curious, I mean, did he ever grow up for real? Ever man up? Is he still living at home? Did he ever get a job (or in these times I'd have accepted him trying to get one anyway)? Still adding delusional drama to everything? Still practically worshiping mommy-dearest? Or is he still a whiney fat emo kid? And while I am curious I, and my husband agrees, that it's a bad idea to chat with exes. I've never had an ex before, and it kind of feels weird even having anyone to call that. And we've never had any interaction for, like I said, almost three years. Just really weird.

Reality doesn't care if you believe in it.
[url]http://www.townparkradio.com[/url] - Video Game Remix Music

1,127 (edited by Terra Monday, July 12, 2010 8:31 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

Miba wrote:

[...]And while I am curious I, and my husband agrees, that it's a bad idea to chat with exes. I've never had an ex before, and it kind of feels weird even having anyone to call that. And we've never had any interaction for, like I said, almost three years. Just really weird.

It can be a bad idea indeed, but it really depends. I have three ex's I speak to regularly and things are quite alright. Both dads of my daughters, plus another one I know since over 10 years. But, what makes it possible, I think, is that all unresolved emotions on both sides have been "ironed". There's no more any love, pain, desire or anything. It's all been talked through and clarified, and now with these 3 we consider each other nearly siblings. Like seeing them doensn't bring any spark anymore, it just feels safe and like family. But it works.

On the other hand, when there's unresolved emotions, love, pain or desire... it can be quite complicated.

I had been dating with some guy back in 1997. Then found out he was married, so I quit him. Well, a few months ago we started talking again, "as friends". But even 13 years later, he is not over me. To the point where, whenever he just *talks* to me, he acts very different when he is with his wife the same day. Like half-there, not as nice to her, etc. We simply talk, but in his head things go much further, and he gets like... on the "I have two women" channel. He keeps firing the dirty jokes at me and keeps talking about how it could be if things hadn't stopped then between him and me. That's what I'd call an unsafe ex.

There's been another one earlier to him. He recently tried to get back in touch, too. First thing he brings up, is some random argument we had maybe 15 years ago, and tries to get back into the old argument as first chat. Come on! lol. Don't tell me you didn't move on from me taking the last cup of tea??? It's been 15 years, lol. The guy was serious about it. Then started saying how he keeps passing on my street and has my address and phone number, and has been wanting to contact me. If that is not a stalker, I wonder what that is. I think you can get the point. Some people tell me I should even send the cops on his a**. That's another unsafe ex.

In these conditions, of course, it is not a good idea to talk to ex'es. Sometimes though, when you have reasons to think everyone is cool on both sides (no love, no pain, no desire) you can try. If you think your ex REALLY just wants to talk, Miba, maybe it's sincere. Maybe he just wants to apologize for the crap and make things "at peace", iron bad feelings away, and have a platonic friendship, really. Maybe he really just wants to reconnect as friends and wouldn't try to get in the way of your current happiness.

I'd say, if you are curious, try and talk. If anything feels awkward, you can always step back and tell him you can't continue. Then again the similar email is kinda weird. Maybe it was just a joke to you. Like "I copy you just to annoy you". Doesn't mean he wants back together though.

I'd say, if you two reconnect as friends, it might be just what it takes to make him realize that, yes indeed you are with someone now, you moved on with your life, and are serious about it. Even, if he meets your husband, he might understand even deeper that you and your husband are together for something serious, and things can never be like before. And you two (you and your husband) could really end up having a friend.

Would you feel safer about it all if he had someone on his end too? Is his apparent singleness the detail that makes it borderline to doubt for you, about his intentions?

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

Re: Bf/Gf

Now that right there was a long post!

Terra were you married before? Just Wondering...

calvinanglin@gmail.com

1,129 (edited by Terra Monday, July 12, 2010 10:31 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

Karson Fett wrote:

Now that right there was a long post!

Terra were you married before? Just Wondering...

lol, almost my signature huh.

nope. Been into a couple serious long-term relationships though. I've always been the "wife-like" type of gf, but I've never been married yet. You? tongue

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

Re: Bf/Gf

Yes, I married a fine young lass after I rescued her from a fire breathing dragon...then I woke up

calvinanglin@gmail.com

Re: Bf/Gf

Karson Fett wrote:

Yes, I married a fine young lass after I rescued her from a fire breathing dragon...then I woke up

lol. thought so. I don't think I ever dreamed of marriage. Made all kinds of weird dreams, especially lately, but not about that.

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

1,132 (edited by Excail Tuesday, July 13, 2010 2:46 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

I never gathered enough courage to ask someone til recently (not saying who, could be anyone wink ), and the moment I did, I got sicker than hell, I was over the toilet almost half the night, and could hardly breathe...

Also an apology to Terra, last night she was trying to contact me on MSN, and I couldn't respond due to that sickness sad

Be true to those you love, and be even more true to yourself ;D

1,133 (edited by Miba Tuesday, July 13, 2010 6:24 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

I'm kind of confused about what to do, actually. I didn't talk to him more at the time because my husband was home (and we were minutes away from dinner being ready) and he's used to his exes. Every now and then one of them will ask him if he wants to go out or if he's still single or if he's divorced me or something. And a lot of his exes became exes because they cheated on him. So I suppose he has a good reason for not wanting to talk to any of them, and me being new to that ideal would just go with what he's done and said.

Me and my ex were fairly good friends, during good times. There was also a lot of bad times, so I think I don't think I've really forgiven him for that. I spent a lot of years on him I could have spent progressing my life (working on my sewing, saving money for house, etc) if I hadn't been so stubbornly trying to make it work. But if we become friends again will I have to deal with the bad again?

Also, it would feel awkward being friends with a guy while I'm married. I mean, for you, Terra, you're single right now, and I can understand being friends with your kid's dads, I mean, my mom still talks to my dad occasionally and when they meet in person they're usually polite to each other with the occasional snide remark. (and they were married for something like 15 years) And I don't think I could IM him, I think that would be out entirely because I don't think I'd feel comfortable with it. But then do I email him? Without telling my husband? That feels like it's going behind my husband's back, which feels like the road to lying and cheating. But if I tell him he's just going to say it's a bad idea and to forget about him. Perhaps do it and then tell him? Like, say, "So I emailed him and wow, I'm glad I married a real man." I'm just not really good with friends in general, guy or gal. I have a tendency to get tired of people and say and do things to make them just mad enough to not talk to me anymore. My husband is the only best friend I've ever had, and a lot of the time I feel that he's the only friend I need. (I have a friend at work, and a friend online, and of course you guys) I wouldn't want to be friends with him.

My husband thinks he wants back with me, and I don't really know. It was the feeling I got though. But it's been three years, it's time to move on. Perhaps talking to me again would encourage him to find someone else? Or would that just set him back? Thinking on our previous conversations about contact or no contact and we'd all decided no contact is better does that apply here? Or if he really does just want to talk (get some closure, resolve things, apologize) one or two emails would be a good thing?

I for myself, I kind of miss some of the things we did, like studying SW, but overall the only emotion I feel is irritation and a bit of resentment.

I feel like talking with him could be bad, like why should we check on each other every few years unless there was something lingering between us? But that does remind me of something that happened to me when I was 17. I was still a bagger and there was a checker whom I had a crush on. He must have been nearing 50 if he wasn't there already. But he was cute. And he was into SW. And he knew stuff about computers and such. He found out I thought he was cute because he always had his hair slicked back when he was at work but one day he came in shopping and I saw him and didn't recognize him due to his hair being down and I kept looking at him cause he was cute. (he was in line at customer service waiting for his paycheck, and also, I have a thing for long hair) And then after a bit I realized who it was. eek. After that he started leaving his hair down at work often. Then one day we were in the breakroom together and he casually asked what my schedule was (which at the time was something a lot of people did because I was also starting to work some dairy shifts) and I didn't have any late shifts. He asked if I wanted to get dinner and maybe see a movie sometime. I laughed at him. Then I realized he was being serious. I told him no and scurried away. I was mad at him for a long time after that, I mean, the man was older than my dad. He had a daughter who was maybe three years younger than me. (he was divorced) And he was sorry, he really was, every word he said to me, whether it was "she wants paper" or "could you get a price check on this", it didn't matter what he said, it was how he said it, because all I ever heard him say was, "I'm sorry". And then he was arrested for some credit card thing to do with his ex wife and when I grew up I realized I should have talked to him. I should have told him that I would have gladly said yes to him if he had been about 30 years younger, I should have told him why I said no. And sometimes I wish I could run into him just so I could say that I'm sorry too. I mean, yes, he was in the wrong asking me out (especially being that I was still a minor, but I've always seemed older than I am and it has never been uncommon for people to assume I'm a few years older than I am, but even then he had to know I was still a teenager), but I was in the wrong for not telling him why I turned him down so harshly, especially since I had been giving off positive signals. Perhaps lesson learned and I should take this opportunity to resolve things with the person I CAN contact? (I don't even remember this other guy's last name and we never had any contact online, and I believe he's two states over now)

Sorry, long post, wow.

Reality doesn't care if you believe in it.
[url]http://www.townparkradio.com[/url] - Video Game Remix Music

1,134 (edited by Karson Fett Tuesday, July 13, 2010 8:59 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

This is why they have character limits.

I think that post took up half my page...

calvinanglin@gmail.com

1,135 (edited by Terra Tuesday, July 13, 2010 11:51 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

Excail, come on, you don't need to apologize for being sick, lol.

Karson, you can't be serious two minutes, can you? lol. This post will take the other half of your page. Na! tongue



Miba, wow, long post indeed, I am starting to transfer my talkative habits on you, lol.

If you would rather resolve things with your ex... I think there's work that needs to be done within yourself first about the unresolved irritation and resentment. Why the resentment? Why still resentful now? How could you make him understand how you feel while still being courteous and unthreatening? What's the best reaction he could have? What's the worst? Do you just want to "set things right" and make peace or are you ready for a followed conversation and friendship? And how could you make your husband participate and gain from it?

I'm no professional of relationships, but it's always easier for a person exterior to the events to have a global view. When you're in the middle of things, you can be clouded by emotions sometimes.

It's still my case about certain things and people. This is exactly why I am still single and avoiding to get with someone. I don't feel ready for anything long-term yet, and don't want to jump on the first opportunity only to fill a hole. I'm on the "making friends" and "reconnecting with old friends" channel at the moment. And I'm preparing myself to make it into my true career (graphic design).

Ok back onto your question.

Your husband seems to have very immature and disrespectful ex's indeed. If that's all he knows, I think it is normal that he doesn't think it's a good idea for you to reconnect with your own ex.

You mentioned bad times in your past relationship with your ex, and you even seem to regret the time you spent with him. You seem to have a negative perception of it all. Do you think you might not be over him? If you still didn't forgive him, and feel bitter of the bad times, it seems to me like you, yourself have unresolved emotions about that ex. Despite your actual life with your husband.

It's still there and alive, emotions that haven't been dealt with properly. I think it would be in the way for a real friendship with your ex. You wonder if you would have to deal with the bad again, just the fact that you have unresolved emotions about him will make you, unwillingly, trigger the bad patterns back.

Before considering getting back to being friends with your ex, I would suggest you to sort your feelings out. I think the best thing to do for now would be to send him a message, email or whatever, telling him you need some time to think about it.

As your husband is against the idea, don't do anything "behind his back", especially if it doesn't make you feel good.

If you put the emotions and physical side of things aside, what else was there that was positive in your relationship with your ex? What else did you share? Is it worth sorting your feelings out? Would your husband gain anything if he was in contact with your ex, do you think they could exchange anything together? Do they have any interests in common? What about yourself? Would you three have anything to talk about together?

I understand how you and your husband are a tightly knitted little cell. I tend to do that too when I am in love. But then again, family and friends can still be part of that. It is a good thing to have a social circle, the day something bad happens to you or your man, or your house, or whatever, you will be glad to have other people to go to for help or support. I don't wish you anything bad, but you never know about the future.

If you have true reasons to think your ex wants back with you, maybe you could make it clear that it's you and your husband, and not just you alone. Maybe use "we", and include a pic of you and your husband on vacation, or something, if you email him. That's a way to say, "I'm open to talk, but see, I am taken, and you'll have to get used to it because it won't change."

No contact is the best solution if you are sure the other person is going to be all over you again, expecting to be your lover. For CA the other day, the guy told her clearly his undying love for her, and that he didn't want any other. That's a case where NC has to be. Another case is when someone broke up with you and you feel like you can't live without them. Then NC is necessary too. In your case, I am not sure, things don't seem clear.

If you really don't want to be friends with him again, it would be better to not write, or either write clearly "I think it would be better to stop all contacts for X, Y, Z reasons" so he doesn't just hang in there not knowing what to expect.

If you just send him an email or two and he wants to be friends he might expect a more "followed" conversation. Like the type you have with your other friends. If it is something you are not ready to invest yourself into, once again I suggest you to tell him clearly that you are not interested, then stop all contacts.

As for the story with the old man, I suggest you let that go, and stop feeling bad about it. What has been done has been done, you were young, you could not know everything. And this situation is different, do not mix the two. Yes, maybe you could have told the old man the hows and whys, but there's no real good way to say to someone "I do not want you".

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

1,136 (edited by Miba Wednesday, July 14, 2010 5:43 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

I tend to ramble and get dramatic in the mornings, so I'm sorry about yesterday's post.

My husband would have just about nothing in common with my ex, he'd spend his time making fun of him for being an emo kid. Which would be amusing to watch since he's so good at tearing people apart (he stands people just about as much as I can, but he's more vocal about it).

Oh, and I have a rather large family, if you count everyone including step-siblings I'm one of ten. Anything I need help with at least one of them knows what to do. So I've never needed a friend. I've also had bad luck with friends and none of them have ever really been there anyway. I think I gave up on friends around 13 or 14. Also we moved a lot, the longest I've lived in one house was about 4 years.

I think I'll send a test email out telling him a little of how I am now, like how happy I am now and maybe a few things like what some of my new fandoms are, and then ask if he ever got a job (or tried to), etc. And let him know I don't want a friend but I also don't want him to spend his life wondering about me or whatever, like, maybe find out what his intentions were in contacting me what they really are. Did he just break up with someone and thought of me or has he spend the last three years wondering if he's waited long enough that I would accept him back into my life or... what? If I ignore him now and that's what it is I don't want this again in a few years. But now I'm starting to ramble again this being still morning for me so I'm going to stop now.

Oh, and about the old guy, I don't really think about it often. This is actually the first time in at least a year or two. (cause I remember I was telling my husband about it once a long time ago) But it doesn't really bother me anymore.

Reality doesn't care if you believe in it.
[url]http://www.townparkradio.com[/url] - Video Game Remix Music

1,137 (edited by Terra Wednesday, July 14, 2010 10:31 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

lol, ok. I guess I've been overly serious and explaining once again. Sorry about the neverending lecture, lol. This is where you see my ag... er hum. Maturity. Wisdom.
tongue

I think your idea is better, since you are not interested at all. You may as well let him know your intentions then just leave him alone. Wouldn't gain anything out of making fun of his misery, if he's still not over you. "Live and let die", like Axl says.

Making fun of tearing people apart?.. Now that's a notion that's stranger to me. I think I used to know what it means. Seems so remote to me in time. When you are a parent or after life broke you a few times, you tend to gain a different outlook on fragility and vulnerability of people.

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

1,138 (edited by Karson Fett Wednesday, July 14, 2010 10:59 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

Terra wrote:

Karson, you can't be serious two minutes, can you? lol. This post will take the other half of your page. Na! tongue

I am quite capable of being serious, just look at this post. Scroll up to Post 5. That post was rather long one.

calvinanglin@gmail.com

Re: Bf/Gf

Oh, he doesn't tear about people for the mere fun of it, such as bullying. If someone says something stupid he'll tell them why they're wrong, how they're wrong, give them the right answer, links to various official sources proving he's right, and etc. And he does it in an amusing manner.

Anyway, email sent, email received, and we're such completely different people that he no longer wishes to be friends. We couldn't. He hasn't had to work a day in his life (though he did get a short job or two for a little extra money), his parents are paying his college, buying him a house, he's a vegetarian now, and made fun of me for making my own soap. What's wrong with making my own soap?

Reality doesn't care if you believe in it.
[url]http://www.townparkradio.com[/url] - Video Game Remix Music

Re: Bf/Gf

Well....its uh...kinda not stimulating the crappy economy...

calvinanglin@gmail.com

1,141 (edited by Miba Thursday, July 15, 2010 9:37 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

Sure it is. In order to make soap I have to buy lye, and whatever fats I need such as shortening or olive oil. Plus any extras such as essential oils, oatmeal, spices, colorants, etc. And I bought molds. Besides, it's green because I don't have any paper wrappers to throw away from bar after bar of individually wrapped soap. There's no chemicals or preservatives involved, which is green and healthy (not counting whatever happens to be in the shortening and such).

Reality doesn't care if you believe in it.
[url]http://www.townparkradio.com[/url] - Video Game Remix Music

Re: Bf/Gf

Well I guess I was wrong

calvinanglin@gmail.com

1,143 (edited by Terra Thursday, July 15, 2010 3:45 pm)

Re: Bf/Gf

Miba I think it's fabulous that you make your own soap. I wouldn't know how. You ex probably never took the time to create something from scratch for himself. Not sure why he contacted you if he doesn't want to be friends?? Kinda odd.

Your hubby sounds like he doesn't give brain-farts any chance, lol. He reminds me of an old friend of mine that I lost touch with. Jacques. He was a little like that too. I might want to see if he'd like to reconnect the friendship, he was cool. It's over 10 years that I didn't hear from him, I wonder how he is doing.

lol, Karson. I thought the economy was starting to do a little better?

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

Re: Bf/Gf

Nothing is wrong with making your own soap or doing things the way that you feel you must do them, he's basing his "ideals" upon his own lifestyle which is wrong

(I have done the same so I should definitely know he is... -.-)

If anything he like I did, needs a lesson of the real world, he needs humility wink

I also am sorry I don't post as often, for one I've been busy with working, and two I am starting to go back to learning programming in my spare time again, maybe if I learn that, I could actually make something fun and interesting to mess with big_smile

Be true to those you love, and be even more true to yourself ;D

1,145 (edited by Terra Friday, July 16, 2010 10:23 am)

Re: Bf/Gf

Sounds good Excail. You are thinking of making a game?

At some point I dated a designer like me, and we thought we'd make our own game similar to Crono Trigger, but with a different theme... but eventually that relationship died before we had much of a chance to do anything, lol. We didn't share the same views about money, and on certain levels our needs clashed.

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

Re: Bf/Gf

I think you guys should try to make a KOTOR 3 game...

calvinanglin@gmail.com

Re: Bf/Gf

Karson Fett wrote:

I think you guys should try to make a KOTOR 3 game...

Wish I had the free time. Maybe if someone pays me for it, I will. tongue

Could at least take care of the graphic texture side of things tongue

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

Re: Bf/Gf

I doubt anyone would pay much attention to it, but maybe one of these days, I could help code a game that may make people talk, but as I said, still learning, got a lot to fix before I take a step like that...

And I don't expect it to be easy...

Be true to those you love, and be even more true to yourself ;D

Re: Bf/Gf

And poof! He's gone...

Where the heck did you go Excail? I hope you are happier...

Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)

Re: Bf/Gf

Yeah...he went away...knew he wasn't gonna stay.

calvinanglin@gmail.com