American Star Wars

To the tune of Don McLean’s Amer­i­can Pie
filked by Jeremy Thorpe

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(slowly) A long, long time ago,
Said the open­ing titles
Lucas wrote part four of nine
About a young man in his prime
And whether to the Dark Side he would stray.
Two droids who were named Artoo and
Three­pio crashed on Tatooine.
They had to find Kenobi
In desert worse than Gobi.
I can’t remem­ber if I cried
When Vader ordered frat­ri­cide,
But I know I was hor­ri­fied
The day the Jawas died.
And Luke was singing
Bye-bye cause this planet’s too dry.
(speed up) Drove his speeder to Mos Eis­ley to go join the Allies.
And Obi-Wan, he chopped the arm off some guy,
Sayin’ Soon, Luke, you will be a Jedi,
Soon, Luke, you will be a Jedi.
(rol­lick­ing) They flew off to Alder­aan
But when they got there it was gone
Noth­ing left but aster­oids.
So Solo plot­ted a new course
While Luke learned how to use the force
And Chewie played some space chess with the droids.
Oh, and while we heard John Williams theme,
The Death Star used a trac­tor beam.
Ben went to shut it down
So the oth­ers could leave town.
Luke was a lonely, teen-aged Jedi Knight,
With an X-wing fighter and a sword of light,
And he knew he had to join the fight
The day Kenobi died.
And we were sin­gin
Bye-bye, it’s the Death Star’s demise.
It was blown up by a rebel who was code-named Red Five.
And Vader very nearly didn’t sur­vive
Cause Han picked a damn good time to arrive,
He picked a damn good time to arrive.
Oh, on Hoth they built a rebel base,
Two decades after Lost in Space,
So the fight could start again.
Luke got cap­tured by a beast
Which saved him for the evening feast
Til he used the Force to help him self-defend.
Oh, and Han slit up his Tauntaun’s hideB So a Lukesi­cle could crawl inside.
Then, alas and alack,
The Empire struck back!
As the AT-ATs walked on through the snow
The rebels cried out Tal­lyho!
But it was like the Alamo
The day Luke’s gun­ner died.
They were sin­gin,
Bye-bye, let us deoc­cupy.
If we stay here too much longer we will be vapor­ized.
And Luke flew off to meet with Yoda the Wise,
Sayin’ I must learn to be a Jedi,
I must learn to be a Jedi.
Boggy, foggy, full of lit­tle frog­gies,
Dagobah was damp and soggy,
But that’s where Yoda had his home.
He was a wiz­ened lit­tle gnome,
Two feet high when fully grown
But he taught Luke how to make the Force his own.
Ah, but Luke’s friends were in trou­ble deep,
With Three­pio piled in a heap.
Our heroes were betrayed
Thrown in the stock­ade!
Oh, and by Darth Vader Luke was maimed,
Then he hung from a weath­er­vane
And he learned Vader’s real name
The day Han Solo got frozen in a block of car­bonite.
And they were sin­gin’,
Bye-bye, Lando’s town in the sky.
They left although they had a broken-down hyper­drive.
And Boba Fett flew off with Han in Slave I
They’d be gone til Return of the Jedi,
Gone til Return of the Jedi.
Then, for three years, we were on our own
While Han played Indi­ana Jones
And Car­rie mar­ried Rhymin’ Paul.
Sy Snoo­tles sang for Jabba’s chums
Like Bib For­tuna and Sala­cious Crumb
While Solo hung around on Jabba’s wall.
Oh, and after Leia got him down
The Sar­lacc waited under­ground.
It swal­lowed Boba Fett.
(The worst indi­ges­tion yet!)
And while Leia changed out of her bra,
Luke flew off to Dagobah
And he was there to hold his paw
The day that Yoda died.
He was sin­gin’,
Bye-bye to the lit­tle green guy.
He trained Vader and Kenobi and Luke to be Jedi.
And now he’s gone to that big bog in the sky,
Say­ing Luke, there is another young Sky.….
Luke there is another young
Sky.….walk.…..errrrrgghhhhh.….
(slowly) Luke met a man named Pal­pa­tine,
An Emperor of bein’ mean,
Who wanted Luke to be his heir.
Mean­while, on the moon below,
Rebels struck a coun­terblow
With some assis­tance from some teddy bears.
And in the sky, the space­ships blazed;
The fight­ers fought, and the lasers lazed.
The bat­tle, it was heated;
The Empire was defeated.
And the three Jedi admired most
Yoda, Ben and Vader’s ghost
They all glowed blue and raised a toast
The day Darth Vader died.
And we were sin­gin’,
Bye-bye Return of the Jedi,
We’ll wait fif­teen years for sequels as Bink­ley proph­e­sied.
And while we wait, we’ll make do with Deep Space Nine,
Sin­gin’ May the Force be with you and I,
May the Force be with you and I.
(faster) Now we’re sin­gin’,
Bye-bye Return of the Jedi,
We’ll wait fif­teen years for sequels as Bink­ley proph­e­sied.
And while we wait, we’ll make do with Deep Space Nine,
Sin­gin’ May the Force be with you and I.