1 (edited by Devil Girl Monday, January 28, 2008 6:07 am)

Topic: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

Hei big_smile

I have created a character and written a short story recently so I am going to be a big brave girl and post it.

I would really appreciate any constructive hints that you may have. Sadly the English that I was taught at school was not a good standard and until the last couple of years I have not thought about retaking my exams. So any help with improving my English and story writing skills would really be appreciated big_smile

Thank you in advance

I hope you like it big_smile

The hunter becomes the hunted

It had been a busy day; no make that a very busy day. So it was late by the time Tasendia Renolsin made her way through the surprisingly deserted back streets to get home. Financial restrictions meant that she had to live in one of the seediest area in Coronet. This meant that she had to keep alert. Thankfully, the skills that she had developed in her upbringing and as a bounty hunter helped her, but the almost deserted streets put her even more on edge than normal.

She had been out gathering information on her latest bounty. She had to make sure that she did not fail, as this was her first job that had been offered to her personally, rather than obtaining bounties from the open market. She had been gathering information and making preparations all day, and was now exhausted. She could not let that show though, as you never know who is waiting in the shadows. She just wanted to get home as soon as possible, not just to get some much needed rest but to also to change clothes; the heavy rain from not long ago had meant that she was soaking wet.

She was only two blocks away from home when she heard someone following her. They were matching her pace for pace.

I have to protect my reputation…well, create the right reputation she thought. So that cut out running as the last thing she wanted to look was scared. She rested her hand on her blaster, quickly checked around her, before picking up her pace.

Whoever was following also picked up their pace. Her heart was now beginning to beat so loudly that it seamed that everyone would be able to hear it. She quickly checked over her shoulder again and could see no one following her before quickly getting back to concentrating on getting home as quickly as possible.

One block from home, she muttered to herself that she must not become one of those one block from home deaths. She again checked to see if she could see who was following her. While she could see a few others now there was no one that looked suspicious. Well actually, everyone looked suspicious, but there seemed to be no one that was following her. She picked up her pace…that then prompted whoever was following her to do the same.

She had eventually managed to get to the last corner and she could now thankfully see the apartment block where she stayed. She put on a last quick burst before she got to the doorway. She fumbled slightly with the door before she managed to get in. Her adrenaline was now pumping as she quickly shut the door and looked around to check what she could see. Once again she saw nothing too suspicious. She decided that rather than wait for the turbolift, she just wanted to get to her apartment as soon as possible, so she bounded up the stairs as quickly as possible. It was when she did that that her guts turned to ice. They had managed to follow her, how the heck did they manage that; she had been careful. There was no way that anyone could have got in.

She ran for her apartment door, swiftly punched the code in, before shoving the door open and shutting it as quickly as possible. She scanned the room and listened intently as she checked the noises coming from the other apartments and from outside, she strained as she tried to catch anything out of the ordinary. By this point her heart felt like it was beating out of her chest, and she was slightly out of breath from running up the stairs. I really need to work on my fitness, she thought to herself.

It was only after a few minutes she felt safe enough to lower her guard slightly. It was as soon as she walked across her apartment to brew herself a very strong cup of caf, that she heard it again.

She instantly froze to the spot when she realised that whoever had followed her had somehow managed to get into her apartment. She snapped up her blaster in an instant, ready to aim at whoever had followed her.

‘Who the fierfek are you? You had better show your face as I have had enough of you skulking in the shadows’ she shouted out.

Once again there was an eerie silence. After a moment she dared make a move, to face where she thought she had heard the movement. Like the time before, as soon as she moved, she heard them move again.

‘You are going to regret this’ she growled as she spun around looking for her target.

There was something about the noise that was made when she spun around which was when she realised who had been following her, or rather who wasn’t. Her face flushed. She slapped her hand to her head as she realised it was not in fact anyone that was following her, but the insides of her wet combat trousers, rubbing against each other.

She suddenly laughed in embarrassed relief, as she headed over to brew herself a caf, as well as a strong whiskey to go with it. She thought to herself, while it is good to keep alert, there are times when it can work against you. Thankfully this time it had been a rather painless lesson to learn.

At least tomorrow, when she goes after her bounty, she will once again be the hunter.

Jedi photographer - May the focus be with me.
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/devil_girl/]Photographs[/url]

Re: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

I love it! Very good. There was only one sentence that I found a bit confusing:

"I have to protect my reputation…well create the right reputation she thought so that cuts out running as the last thing she wanted to as is scared."

The last bit I've put in italics I didn't really understand, I'm assuming you meant "the last thing she wanted to appear was scared."

BFFC Moderator
It was like thousands of voices cried out for a sequel and were suddenly silenced...

Re: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

Thank you very much big_smile http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v176/DevilGirlyGirl/Smileys/Flowers.gif

Yes I did mean that. I am going to edit it now big_smile (I missed it when I was reading through it)

Jedi photographer - May the focus be with me.
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/devil_girl/]Photographs[/url]

Re: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

Very good.  I love the mood change at the end.  I let go of my breath at the end.  Man I get into books way too much...

tongue

[i]Like I told your captain, the orphange attacked me.  It was self-defense.[/i]  -Richard the Warlock  [url]http://archive.lfgcomic.com/lfg0002.gif[/url]

Re: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

That was pretty good big_smile The ending is great big_smile

[i]The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed[/i]
[url=http://lfgcomic.com/page/1]Interrogations are hard...[/url]

6 (edited by Devil Girl Monday, January 28, 2008 6:13 am)

Re: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

Awe thank you very much big_smile http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v176/DevilGirlyGirl/Smileys/Flowers.gif that is really funky of you to say that big_smile you have made my day http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v176/DevilGirlyGirl/Smileys/Flowers.gif

Jedi photographer - May the focus be with me.
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/devil_girl/]Photographs[/url]

Re: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

Wow that was really great! It is so cool to know that there are people out there with such creative talents as yourself and are cool enough or should I say brave enough to post it for the world to read. Congrats and I look forward to reading more stories about Tasindia!

" Hi!"

Re: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

Thank you very much Peter big_smile http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v176/DevilGirlyGirl/Smileys/Flowers.gif that is so funky of you to say that big_smile

I am also looking forward to writing more about Tasendia big_smile

Jedi photographer - May the focus be with me.
[url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/devil_girl/]Photographs[/url]

Re: The hunter becomes the hunted (short story)

I coulda sworn Boba Fett was hunting her....

[i]"Sir, Finishing this Cake."[/i]