Excail, come on, you don't need to apologize for being sick, lol.
Karson, you can't be serious two minutes, can you? lol. This post will take the other half of your page. Na!
Miba, wow, long post indeed, I am starting to transfer my talkative habits on you, lol.
If you would rather resolve things with your ex... I think there's work that needs to be done within yourself first about the unresolved irritation and resentment. Why the resentment? Why still resentful now? How could you make him understand how you feel while still being courteous and unthreatening? What's the best reaction he could have? What's the worst? Do you just want to "set things right" and make peace or are you ready for a followed conversation and friendship? And how could you make your husband participate and gain from it?
I'm no professional of relationships, but it's always easier for a person exterior to the events to have a global view. When you're in the middle of things, you can be clouded by emotions sometimes.
It's still my case about certain things and people. This is exactly why I am still single and avoiding to get with someone. I don't feel ready for anything long-term yet, and don't want to jump on the first opportunity only to fill a hole. I'm on the "making friends" and "reconnecting with old friends" channel at the moment. And I'm preparing myself to make it into my true career (graphic design).
Ok back onto your question.
Your husband seems to have very immature and disrespectful ex's indeed. If that's all he knows, I think it is normal that he doesn't think it's a good idea for you to reconnect with your own ex.
You mentioned bad times in your past relationship with your ex, and you even seem to regret the time you spent with him. You seem to have a negative perception of it all. Do you think you might not be over him? If you still didn't forgive him, and feel bitter of the bad times, it seems to me like you, yourself have unresolved emotions about that ex. Despite your actual life with your husband.
It's still there and alive, emotions that haven't been dealt with properly. I think it would be in the way for a real friendship with your ex. You wonder if you would have to deal with the bad again, just the fact that you have unresolved emotions about him will make you, unwillingly, trigger the bad patterns back.
Before considering getting back to being friends with your ex, I would suggest you to sort your feelings out. I think the best thing to do for now would be to send him a message, email or whatever, telling him you need some time to think about it.
As your husband is against the idea, don't do anything "behind his back", especially if it doesn't make you feel good.
If you put the emotions and physical side of things aside, what else was there that was positive in your relationship with your ex? What else did you share? Is it worth sorting your feelings out? Would your husband gain anything if he was in contact with your ex, do you think they could exchange anything together? Do they have any interests in common? What about yourself? Would you three have anything to talk about together?
I understand how you and your husband are a tightly knitted little cell. I tend to do that too when I am in love. But then again, family and friends can still be part of that. It is a good thing to have a social circle, the day something bad happens to you or your man, or your house, or whatever, you will be glad to have other people to go to for help or support. I don't wish you anything bad, but you never know about the future.
If you have true reasons to think your ex wants back with you, maybe you could make it clear that it's you and your husband, and not just you alone. Maybe use "we", and include a pic of you and your husband on vacation, or something, if you email him. That's a way to say, "I'm open to talk, but see, I am taken, and you'll have to get used to it because it won't change."
No contact is the best solution if you are sure the other person is going to be all over you again, expecting to be your lover. For CA the other day, the guy told her clearly his undying love for her, and that he didn't want any other. That's a case where NC has to be. Another case is when someone broke up with you and you feel like you can't live without them. Then NC is necessary too. In your case, I am not sure, things don't seem clear.
If you really don't want to be friends with him again, it would be better to not write, or either write clearly "I think it would be better to stop all contacts for X, Y, Z reasons" so he doesn't just hang in there not knowing what to expect.
If you just send him an email or two and he wants to be friends he might expect a more "followed" conversation. Like the type you have with your other friends. If it is something you are not ready to invest yourself into, once again I suggest you to tell him clearly that you are not interested, then stop all contacts.
As for the story with the old man, I suggest you let that go, and stop feeling bad about it. What has been done has been done, you were young, you could not know everything. And this situation is different, do not mix the two. Yes, maybe you could have told the old man the hows and whys, but there's no real good way to say to someone "I do not want you".
Last edited by Terra (Tuesday, July 13, 2010 11:51 am)
Cast iron and treadmills? Oh yes. Still sculpting me to what I really want to be, and I love it. :)