Topic: Short-Story: Bane and Revan: The Golden Years. (A humoroustale of woe)
One day Bane went out to buy some peas from the market. Finding there were none, he destroyed the local town. On is way home he realised he was still pea-less. He had a pea-deficiency. So he got into his ship and flew through the vastness of space to the very corners of the galaxy searching for some peas. Upon realisation that some scoundrel had taken all the peas from the galaxy, Bane headed into the outer rim searching for peas.
The first planet he reached was the planet the Transformers were from called Gobotron* but they had no sign of peas. In a fit of rage Bane used their bathroom and didn't flush.
Unfortunately that toilet was the transformer "Sloptimus Grime" who sadly died soon afterwards.
Darth Bane returned to his ship and flew it away from Gobotron laughing out loud at the memories of his toilet-related buffonery.
Suddenly another driver cut him off. Bane leant out of the window to yell words so dark that even the greatest of Sith Lords sometimes find themselves unable to utter them. Bane then remembered there is no oxygen in space as he started to turn blue. Bane noticed the side of the van that cut him off said "REVIn'S PEAS" and "Ow'S ME DRIIIIIVIN MATE? CALL 1800-DARK-SIDE"
*the sound you hear is the sound of Transformers fan's heads exploding.
Bane rung up the number but to his annoyance the phone was answered by an automated response system.
"For Dooku's Donuts Press 1, For Revan's Peas Press 2, For Traya's Toilet Seats and Hot Fudge Brownies Press 3, To hear the options again press 55676 and have your credit or debit card ready" Bane was not in the mood for such shenanigans and destroyed the phone in a fit of rage.
Following the pea truck as closely as possible Bane rubbed his hands together in glea, little realising that it was his hero Darth Revan at the pilot seat of the vehicle in front.
Darth Revan finally stopped his Pea truck on the Nazi planet from that episode of Star trek. Bane landed his ship on some guy dressed in a red security officer's uniform and followed the hooded and masked man who left the pea truck carrying a sack. Behind him he heard to his delight "He's dead Jim."
Darth Revan delivered the peas and headed off to the little boys room to deliver a different kind of package. He was closely followed by Darth Bane who had cleverly disguised himself as a mule farmer by rolling in some feces some filthy pillager had left lying outside the local reichstag.
Several hours later feeling much more comfortable Revan left the bathroom. Bane who had hidden himself in the bathroom while he waited for the mysterious van driver regained conscious a few minutes later in a daze. Quickly escaping the Sith-like smell in the bathroom Bane caught up with the man and beat him to death.
Realising the man he had just beaten to death wasn't the van driver at all but rather another security officer dressed in red, Bane ran back to his ship just to see the man getting into the pea truck. Thinking fast Bane did something that goes against previously-accepted canon** to incapacitate the van and demand vengeance from the driver.
It was at that moment that Bane realised that "REViN" was in fact "Darth Revan" Bane apologised for going against canon and shook Revan's hand.
Revan taught Bane about how the dark side isn't that great and the light side, earning a small living selling peas was the way to live. Bane was confused as to how Revan was still alive at which point Revan revealed that eating peas everyday with every meal granted him everlasting life (there's a moral here kids.)
Revan invited Bane to join him on his quest to sell peas to those who want peas and Bane agreed. Then they both went for a pea as an agreement measure.
And thus began the legend of Bane and Revan: Pea Sellers extraordianaire. More about that later.
**See "Darth Bane: Path of Destruction" for more on this mystical Sith power
1000 years later.
"Kill him Anakin"
(or something, I'm not a quote machine)
And with that Mace Windu flew out of the window, his hand cut off.
Meanwhile Revan and Bane were in their Pea truck delivering Peas to the Coruscant Mafia. Suddenly there was a loud "flump" sound as something landed on their roof. Bane stopped the van and climbed on top of the van. Lo and behold Mace Windu, still alive, had landed on their truck.
Bane, thinking fast, brought Windu inside the van and threw him in the back. Bane then took hold of the wheel and without telling Revan anything he drove as fast as possible to that planet where Caleb the healer lived. (Yes I know Caleb died in Rule of Two, but the power of peas....Look just shut up, ok?) Caleb used his voodoo powers to grow Mace Windu a new hand and heal him fully. Caleb then said "I AM SO OLLLLLLLLD" and they were off on another adventure
NEXT: LANDO, JANGO FETT and RANCORS!!!!