What do you call a father whose been exposed to radiation? A Rad Dad

"This is your final test of loyalty to the agency." The man says, "In the room over there, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. We want you to kill her."

Nodding solemnly, the man proceeds into the room and closes the door. Seconds later the agent hears several gunshots, screaming, smashing, and cursing. Soon after the man walks back out, speckled with blood and wiping sweat from his brow.

"What in the hell just happened?" The agent asked, bewildered.

"Well, you see, the gun you gave me was loaded with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair."

I guy is waiting in a hospital for the Doctor to give him an update on his wife. His wife was in a serious car crash and sustained heavy damage.

The Doctor comes out of the operating room and looks at the waiting man.
The man asks the Doctor what the news is.

The Doctor says,"Well, this is going to be rough to hear. Your wife suffered sever trauma to her spinal cord and will be bound to a wheel chair for life. You will have to feed her and support her in the toilet and take care of here every need. She also broke both arms and will require 24 hour assistance. Also, she suffered slight brain damage and has a great deal of memory loss so she might not even recognize you."

The man stands there and starts to cry. He looks up at the Doctor and says, "are you serious?"

The Doctor says, " No, I'm just f...ing with you, she's dead."

I told you it was dark.

What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children out?
Defense.

The brunette because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions

(I know way too many blonde jokes...)

Three men walk into a bar...

The fourth one ducked.

Oh man...I was going to enter that, but you beat me

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a drink?" to which the bartender replies "For you, no charge"

A blonde walks by with two black guys on both sides.

What do you tell her?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

btw, on the bar and duck joke, it took me forever to figure that one out a few years ago when I first heard it. But when I did I thought it was hilarious.

The fourth one ducked.

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.